Relief

We are just now getting around to having a friend birthday party for miss Relia. I could say it is because I was too busy, with school starting and all, or that I wanted to wait until friendships were established in first grade, but the truth is I was afraid. Afraid that no one would come. 

But they are going to come! They even said so. 5 girls and rain is predicted so I may not be able to shoo them outside. It will be wonderful and terrible and fleeting.

For how many years will I be afflicted with this projected pain?  My daughter is outgoing. She likes people and people like her. There is no reason in the world to think kids wouldn't want to come to her party.  In fact, we ran into another mom at open house and she told me how her daughter thinks my daughter was the best thing about kindergarten. None of my anxiety matches up with reality. It isn't even like I ever had a party where no one showed up. It is just one of those irrational fears.

Tell me there will come a day when I don't dread the thought of a birthday party for my child, not because of the work involved, but because I'm afraid no one will come. I will gain that through experience, right?

Then I think of parents who actually have to worry that if their child will want to invite friends to a party that might not come. Parents with kids with disabilities that prevent them from connecting the way other kids do. I am very lucky and am going to go off to count my blessings now.

Coming to an end

The boys head back to daycare/preschool today. I was originally scheduled to have training all this week, but that got cancelled. Leo will be starting in the toddler room. No more baby room for us. I remember when Relia started in the toddler room, she seemed too little to go hang with those big kids, but it was awesome. She learned so much in those first few months. Same for Felix. the words will probably come quickly now. Sigh.

And I am feeling back to school anxiety. My partner in math leadership will not be there. It makes me want to cry when I think about it. We were so good together. Now I'm the experienced math lead and that scares me a little. -But I am way more prepared than I was 5 years ago.

Keeping the ball rolling

I had such a good time with our first camping foray, I want more, more, more.

more quiet
more nature
more learning

As soon as we started down the path to our campsite last weekend I felt the comfort and relaxation I get in the woods. How have I let so much time go without it?

So we made another camping date.

But this time, no one will be providing gear. So I'm hunting craigslist, making lists and spending way too much time on Pinterest.

My kind of summer school

I am in awe of all that Kindergarten has done for my girl. Now I'm trying to help her avoid that summer amnesia I always see come Fall:
(BTW, except for daily reading time, I don't plan this stuff. I try to just remember to find the learning moment in what they are already doing by questioning or posing a challenge)

Science - How many small buckets to fill the big bucket? What floats? What happens when you push a beach ball into the full bucket?


Reading at least half an hour a day. I rarely have to force this. We've started our weekly library visits, and Dora books are a clear favorite (groan). But she can read them by herself, so I guess I shouldn't complain.


Our view during reading


You'd think there'd be some math in there, right? Yesterday we wrote numbers on the fence, skip counting by 2. I keep asking about the patterns, but she hasn't seen it yet. I also ordered a couple of playing card holders, so we can better play my trove of math card games.

1? 2? 3?

Reading an article on how only children don't have it so bad as people think. Then, having lunch with Rellie while her brothers are enjoying their last week of daycare for the summer. I had the fleeting thought, "What would life be like if we only had one?" Certainly easier and more flush moneywise, but then I would never have seen these smiles.



Totally worth it.

You've got it all together, right?

Tonight I'm feeling a little overwhelmed again. Thoughts abound of simplifying my life, improving my relationships, pushing my self imposed limits (ala How to Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days). This dissatisfaction sometimes comes out in frustration with the other people in my life. Not okay, but it's the truth.

the perfection I seek is obtainable through my summer vacation, right?

Last day (no kids)

I brought Relia to work with me today as I wrapped some things up and moved into a new office. She did a great job of helping and entertaining herself while I met with various groups. She insisted I refer to her as "my special little helper" and (instead of using any pronouns).

Everyone commented that she looks just like me with blond hair. That made me so happy. Then I realized that I need to remember that when I get down on myself. My daughter looks just like me, and she is beautiful.

Now I need to purge purge purge so that I can enjoy my new space instead of feeling oppressed by all of my crap.

Today Felix, Relia, Leo and I had a picnic lunch in the backyard. Life is awesome.

Left out

Relia has been a little frustrated with the attention a new baby takes. Fortunately, she's been able to say it. "I feel left out." "Leo is the special one now."
Okay.
So today Relia and I went on a date to the Mill City Museum. Mom took her there a few weeks ago, and she has been begging to go back ever since. I was really impressed. They have a great set up, that is fun and interesting. (I've only been there to shoot a wedding). It was also fun to just let her lead me around and show me what she was interested in. It was also nice to spend some alone time with my girl.

Back to normal

What is normal?


It feels like we're getting to normal, even though normal will change on Thursday. After tomorrow, Relia will be done with her daycare for good. She's been going there since she was 6 weeks old. Felix & Leo will still be going in the Fall, but Relia is done.

I've been a little sad about being done with having children. Sad about being done with little girl clothes. I am amazed at how big my big kids have become since Leo arrived. All of a sudden, Felix is huge, hardly my baby boy any more, and Relia seems so mature in so many ways. How is it possible that she is going to real school in the fall?

I took a walk with Felix this afternoon. Just the two of us. It was so nice to listen to him talk the whole way. While most kids ask "What's that?" Felix asks "What's that for?" Constantly. Half the time, I can't tell what he is talking about, but I love how much he asks.

Relia in her summer jammies, not footie jammies, and a pony tail, brushing her teeth. Just made me tear up tonight. She is getting so big, so independent.

But I'm starting to switch over a little bit. From the sadness of ending the "baby making" chapter of our lives, to the excitement of looking forward to watching all three of our kids interact and grow up chapter. It is terrifying, but also exciting. What will happen? How can we make it great?

Piano

I want to remind myself how well my big kids get along. I sometimes forget when they get tired or hungry and start to push each other's buttons, but they really are fun together most of the time.

Oh sleep

Leo was up a lot the other night, so we thought we'd be so smart and try to keep him up during the day, so he'd sleep more at night. Totally backfired. He struggled to sleep from about 8:30 until around 1am or so. Peder was kind enough to take that shift. Then Leo proceeded to sleep all the way to 5:45. Which means I got almost 7 straight hours of sleep!!!! I nursed him, and he went right back to sleep.

I cannot believe how good that makes me feel. So I got up with the kids this morning, made blueberry pancakes, and then we sat down and played together. I feel like it has been a million years since we've done that. I was either hugely pregnant, or recovering.

Leo is almost 80 hours old. How can it only be 80 hours? How is it that 80 hours ago my body did some of the hardest work it has ever had to do, and I am already back in mom mode. I'm not 100%, though I hate to admit it. It feels like it's been a month. Not that it has been difficult. It has been incredibly easy. It feels like he's been here the whole time.

Birth Story

My baby is here I almost can't believe it.
On Thursday, April 12th we'd had a really nice day with the kids and by noon had already decided that baby would not be coming today because our babies always come at night. Turns out we were right.

Peder put the kids down to sleep, I made myself some noodles for supper and settled in on the couch to watch our Thursday night TV. At 9:32 I had my first "Oh, this could be something" contraction. I sat on the balance ball and tootled around on the internet, keeping my ipod tracker close. the next one came 15 minutes later, and they just kept getting closer together and stronger. By 10:20 we decided to call the important player to put them on alert, and then the Baby line. I felt so much less panicked than last time. It was happening exactly like it did with Felix. I walked around while they asked me questions. We gathered stuff, and waited for mom & dad. We pretty much decided we were gonna go to the hospital no matter what the nurseline said. They told us to head in.

Mom arrived, and we headed off to Abbot. We got there and they weighed me, took a urine sample and then wanted to monitor me through some contractions. How I despise those monitors. Mom & Erin, our photog arrived. The nurse, Greta hooked me up and felt my cervix through a contraction 6-7cm. Just like when Felix came! They got us a room and started setting up the birth tub. I'm pretty sure they haven't done a whole lot of water births. They've only offered them since August 2011. No one seemed in charge. They were trying to figure out exactly how to setup and fill the tub as they went along.

I discovered that I made my way through contractions a lot better if someone was pushing hard on my lower back with their fists. So that became Peder's job, pretty much the whole time. It took a good half hour to fill up the tub, and when they told me I could get in, I felt a little reluctant because I wasn't sure how Peder was going to push on my back once I got in, and that was helping so much, I didn't want to give it up.

I got in anyway, thinking I could always get back out. Erin suggested I hang over the side. -Thank goodness she was there. Having done a water birth twice, she knew some things to suggest. -We figured out that Peder could still push on my back this way. The contractions just kept getting stronger, but they were all in my back. As I was leaning over the edge, water kept spilling out. I felt bad because they seemed concerned about it, but I also told myself that it wasn't my problem, and that I should just keep going with what was working. It was so weird because no one was telling me what to do. They just kept encouraging me and letting things happen on their own. NOT what I have done in the past, where I lay in the bed until someone starts lifint my legs and telling me to get ready to push. 

They had me move to the other side of the tub, to see if they could fix the overflow problem. I kept having contractions. Peder kept pushing on my back, Mom kneeled in front of me. People in the room gave words of encouragement.  Pretty soon something changed and I could feel the contractions between my legs. My water still hadn't broken. It got really painful. I felt like I had to push, and though I didn't want to, I thought, "This is the only way. This is what you are here for." Through the contractions I tried to keep reminding myself to breathe out slowly, but once things got moving I was screaming. I know at one point I told my mom to shut up when she made a suggestion that I get up. But she was right, my legs started to cramp. I had to stretch them out a couple of times. I pushed through contractions so hard. I knew I had to keep going even though that "ring of fire" hurt so much.

Once his head came out, I guess I lifted up and his head came out of the water. At that point they were worried that he'd start breathing and then I'd take him back under, so they said something about needing to keep his head out of the water. They had to lift my hips out of the water for the rest of the delivery. Frankly, it was all a blur.  I hated that I had to keep pushing once the head was out, but again, that was my job.

In the end, Leo was born at 12:53 am. They grabbed him and got him weighed & his umbilical clamped. It took a while for anyone to even tell me he was a he. 9 pounds, 6 ounces. Holy moly, of course the baby I decide to have without an epidural would turn out to be the biggest. I just rested in the tub for a minute until the nurse helped me out and got me into the bed. I was shaky, and uncomfortable, but really just wanted to see my baby.

They put him on my chest while they set me up to stitch up my 2nd degree tear. I'm used to delivering the placenta and being stitched up pain free. We joked that maybe I could get that epidural now. ouch. I HATED having my legs up. It hurt and I couldn't relax with Leo while I tried to nurse him. He cried for a few minutes while we tried to get him to latch. Eventually he did. My perfect baby. I couldn't believe he was really here. I was so happy to not be pregnant anymore. We stayed in the delivery room while they emptied the tub, and Erin took a few more pictures. Because he was so big, they checked his blood glucose level and found it was low. He'd probably need formula in the next few hours.

Mom & Erin left, I got in a wheelchair and we headed down to the postpartum room. They got me settled, and I didn't sleep. All I wanted to do was hold and stare at Leo. I should have slept, but I couldn't figure out how to get him in the bassinette without calling a nurse, and I really didn't want to anyway.

I'm proud that I did a med free birth, and glad to have had the experience, but if I were to have another baby, which I won't be, I would probably go with the epidural or definitely look for someone with more water birth experience. My only hope is that they learned a bunch from what they did with me.

Leonardo Xavier DeFor
Born on Aunt Liz's birthday, April 13, 2012, 12:53am
9 lbs, 6 oz,  21¼ inches

A foul mood

For some unknown reason, I am in a terrible mood today. Pretty sure it isn't PMS. I'm doing okay, and all in all, it has been a good day, but I am just generally irritated by people and things.  So I think the best strategy is to keep my tongue firmly planted between my teeth and hope for a better tomorrow.

How is it possible

That I am already salivating for winter break? I just had 5 days off. That should be an opportunity to recharge. But alas, it is so close I can almost taste it. How on earth will I make it from Winter break to spring break?

This is a thing grown-ups do.

They hire babysitters for their kids.

So it feels a little shameful that it was something I have been afraid to do.

But I did it!

I faced my fear and invited someone into our untidy home to meet our family and see if they might be the right person to watch our kids.

I feel like a grown up, independent adult. Why the heck did I wait so long?

In short, I like her.

She's a Math Teacher (bonus points) who grew up with tons of younger siblings! Licensed teachers have had state background checks! I've stalked her on Google and she is absolutely who she says she is, and I feel good about her.

Now we just have to schedule a date night!!!!!!

Why is it so hard?

Up too late, thinking about too many work things. Don't want to go to bed for some reason, but I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Ridiculous.

I'm feeling frustrated. I didn't get everything I wanted to accomplish done this weekend. Granted, I got the car situation settled, painted Relia's dresser, fixed the shower, cleaned out & vacuumed both cars, reorganized The kids' books went out to lunch with my mom & Relia, took a kid to swimming, and got the last of the cabinet doors up- But I wanted to do so much more.

See, completely unreasonable.

On the other hand

Had one of those perfect moments doing dishes while Relia played with playdough. Her, talking a mile a minute about being at the beach and having a picnic. I was in the water and it was time for me to come out and she would dry me off with a towel.