All that is happening 3

I have a hard time hearing lots of things. Kids at school mumble all the time, I can't hear the timer on the stove, and there are probably more, but those are the big ones. I have had this problem for at least 5 years.

So, I made an appointment with my mom's audiologist. She tested my hearing and showed me how hearing aids could help. So I ordered hearing aids.

Feelings:

1. Sad that I can't just have good hearing.
2. Old -even though she said my hearing loss is likely genetic -I'm too young for age related loss
3. Curious to find out what I've been missing.
4. Nervous that the learning curve for using them will be steep and add one more thing to the list of things I have to think about during my work day.
5. Pissed. I had most of these tests done 4 years ago with a similar graphed outcome, but no one told me, "Hey Sarah, you could do something about this."
6. Worried that with how much $$$ these cost, I will drop them in a pool, or forget to take them out while I shower.
7. Excited that I can stream music and talk on my phone through them.

All that is happening 2

After school at the end of February we had the meeting where they let us know about the budget for next year. It didn't look good. Down 150 kids in enrollment. The kids we do have are wealthier and therefore do not bring the compensatory money that poorer students do.

That means teacher cuts. That probably means me. 

A few weeks later at my post observation meeting my Principal told me it would probably be a good idea if I started to look for a new job. She would be happy to write me a letter of recommendation. 

Okay. Mind started spinning. I had already turned in my paperwork extending my MPS leave. Would they let me back? I called Donna at Marcy and she said she would love to have me back. Did I want classroom or intervention?  Hmmm. What do I want? Will HR even let me back?

After a few emails, HR agreed to let me end my leave early and participate in interviews for next fall. YAY! But also a little bit of sadness. It is great to have security, but there was also excitement about how I would manage if I was in employment freefall. What could I do? Could I find a new, less insane career?

Then, did I want to continue in the classroom. Initially, I absolutely was going to be a classroom teacher. But so many people kept telling me that I was so good at coaching and intervention, I should definitely go back. Was it stubbornness that I needed to prove I could do the classroom thing? I really have learned a lot this year and I am disappointed that I don't get to try again next year. 

Now I'm on spring break and I am low level sick. 4 days now. And I feel a little robbed. I'm not enjoying this break the way I anticipated. So maybe this isn't the season for me to kill myself trying to make classroom work. With dad's illness, and FP probably having to go back to Travel Agent-ing, maybe I just go back into Intervention and kick ass and grow in that capacity, in a space that will support me? So now I'm leaning toward the Intervention job. 

All that is happening

Where to begin?

In October/November, we found out that my dad had colon cancer. It was treated with surgery in December with follow up Chemo to begin a few months later. Through that prep process, we discovered that he has stage 4, inoperable liver cancer. The average prognosis is 2-3 years with treatment. So now he is doing chemo. It sucks (but it beats the alternative?).

I'm struggling with how to process and react to the information. He reminds me that they only expected his kidney transplant to last 10 years, and here he is 43 years later with a kidney that is 18 months younger than he is. So, he has beat the odds in the past. Who is to say he won't now? But still.

I compare this with FP's experience and struggle with the sudden loss versus the slow burn. It makes me grateful for the extra moments I get to appreciate. But sickness. Uncertainty. Sadness that feels misplaced when he is still here and, for the most part, doing fine.