From KARE 11
Written by
Cindy Chapman
MINNEAPOLIS -- Julie Nelson recently sat down with Heather Flies, a junior high pastor from Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, to talk about the four conversations every parent should have with their child.
The conversations include sex, drugs, discipline and self-esteem. But the difference in this approach is what you say, when you say it and how much you actually tell your children.
1. Choices Have Consequences
This conversation is all about letting your child stand on their own two feet.
"It's hard to see your child hurt," says Flies.
But it happens and it's actually healthy. It's all in how you, the parent help your child deal with it.
"Honey," says Flies, "I know you are sad you didn't make the soccer team, but what are you going to do with that? What are you going to do about that?
Helping your child cope with disappointment is one of the greatest gifts you can give them, just down crowd them.
"They (parents) are just always hovering and just always ready to swoop down and ready to make changes for their child."
This is true even when it comes to discipline.
"I get phone calls, a child has made a choice to behave in a certain way or go against rules and there's a certain consequence implemented and the parent calls me to talk me out of that consequence!"
Nelson asks, "Is this a new thing?"
"I see it more often now," Flies says.
And parents who only want their kids to have fun and never fail?
Flies says, "I think you create an adult who doesn't know how to handle the normal ups and downs of life."
2. Sex Was Created To Be Wonderful And Enjoyed
Is this a conversation you are supposed to be having with your teenager? You have a lot of parents who are saying 'I am not telling my teenager that sex is wonderful,'" said Nelson.
Flies had a quick comeback for that, "The opposite or alternative is to have your child think or believe that sex is dirty and bad and icky or mysterious and so I want to engage in it and I want to figure it out!"
"So how would you start that conversation?" Nelson wants to know. "Find a time when they can't escape," Flies says in a matter of fact way.
Like when you are driving down the road, perhaps. That way no one can escape if things get a little too embarrassing, there aren't any distractions and no eye contact is needed.
Flies makes another good point, "This is a good chance for parents to say, this is what we believe, this is what we hope for you."
And she stresses that the "big talk" can start when your kids are young, perhaps as small as 3 or 4. Just keep it simple by saying when mommies and daddies come together they have babies.
"Not only does this conversation need to happen, it needs to happen on a regular basis."
And always, she says, be ready to listen to your kid, day or night. "Once a teenager gets brushed off a couple of times, they won't try anymore."
3. I Am Not Perfect
This conversation could lead to some rather uncomfortable moments between parents. Flies tells parents to be brutally honest and open up about their past imperfections, even if it means admitting things they would rather forget.
"So let's say you drank as a teenager or smoked pot. You're supposed to admit that to your child?" Nelson asked?
"A lot of parents at home right now just went like this! (Nelson grabs the arms of her chair and gasps).
"I'll tell you why they're going like this, parents are hesitant from doing that because number one, that their child won't respect them anymore and number two they think they'll give their child permission to do the same thing," explains Flies.
She goes on to say "I think both are false. What I've seen is that when adults share with students and they share their remorse or regret for what they did or just generally share about it, kids actually respect them more."
Experts also say to this day that parents are still the number one influence on the life of a teenager even over friends.
4. You Are Uniquely and Wonderfully Made
The last conversation Flies says parents should have centers around a child's self-esteem.
She says there is no getting around the fact that society puts pressure on young people to look and act a certain way in order to be popular and successful.
"Our kids spend so much time trying to squeeze themselves into that mold when really they were not created to be in that mold," she says.
"They need to hear who they are is okay, is that what you're saying?" asks Nelson.
"Absolutely and who you are is not connected to what you do," added Flies.
Another point Flies says is critical is getting specific with your child when it comes to telling them they are important.
Lots of parents say "I love you," but Flies urges parents to go a step further.
"I'm talking about looking at your child and saying something like, honey, you know what I love about you? I love that you have such a compassionate heart."
And the most important thing Flies says any parent can do is never compare one child to another.
